Important Topics
Conflict, Defiance, and ODD
What’s the difference between normal adolescent and oppositional defiance disorder (ODD)?
Arguing, according to experts, is not only normal adolescent behavior–it’s developmentally necessary. Adolescence is a time of experimenting with and forging new levels of autonomy. Part of that process is learning how to express independent opinions that run contrary to those in authority. Your job is to help guide that behavior so that it evolves into normal adult independence, rather than chronic contrariety or even a disorder like ODD. So as far as effective parenting goes, the question is not whether or not your adolescent will argue with you (they will), but how to best engage that behavior.
The first thing to consider, according to Hinman, is what is driving the arguments. Is it normal developmental testiness or is your teen arguing significantly more than her peers or siblings? Excessive arguing may be caused by a number of factors, such as:
- A strong personality (remember that this apple doesn’t fall far from the tree–is there a history of strong, opinionated personalities in the family?)
- Depression–teens express depression differently than adults; this expression often takes the form of irritability and defiance
- Oppositional tendencies–e.g. budding oppositional defiant disorder (especially if there is an anti-social dimension to this defiance)
- Attentional difficulties like ADHD
- Family, school, or peer difficulties
- Anxiety
Extreme levels of defiance may require professional diagnosis or intervention. But all forms of argumentativeness require good parenting skills and an ongoing commitment to positive relationship.
RELATIONAL ACCOUNTING
Regardless of your child’s age, effective parenting involves lots of positive connection with that child–whether he or she is a toddler, an adult, or somewhere in between. Some therapists and clinicians refer to a parent’s “relational bank account” with their child, and encourage making positive deposits all the time. Positive deposits might include spending quality time together, helping with homework, attending sporting events, joking around, asking curious questions, complimenting, and positive instruction. Keeping the account full by making happy relational deposits ensures that when conflict arises and you have to make a withdrawal–setting a boundary, redirecting, administering a consequence–you’re not overdrawn already.
If chronic conflict, family disruption, inadequate deposits, or a condition like ODD has you deep in the relational red with your young adult, opportunities to make deposits are likely to be scarce. In this situation your teen is likely to be guarded and unreceptive and you may need to engage outside help. This help can take a variety of forms, including:
- Trusted adult family friend or relative: You may need to ask a friend you know your child connects with to start making deposits on their own by reaching out, offering to be a sounding board, and spending time with your child. When you’ve lost credibility with your child, good old Uncle Joe might be able to provide adult support on your behalf.
- A clergy member: Clergy, especially if your child is spiritually inclined, often have counseling training and can speak to the child’s relational, emotional, and spiritual concerns.
- Therapist: A therapist can help you diagnose, and then treat, concerns that may go beyond everyday adolescent attitude.
Whoever steps in should be able to build and keep trust, maintain boundaries. If you’re lucky, this person might be able to bridge the gap between you and your young-adult child, allowing you to re-engage and rebuild credibility with your teen. In a sense, this person is loaning you a little fo their own credibility so that you can build your own back up.
This may take some time and persistence. It’s never too early to start building long-term credibility through relational deposits. Fortunately, though, it’s also never too late.
