Important Topics

Parenting: Working Through Painful Disclosures

During treatment, revelations of sexual activity or trauma are so distressing to parents that they tend to react strongly and in counter productive ways.  “We see a lot of moms reacting by trying to sweep the issue under the rug,” says David Prior, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “This comes from an understandable desire to protect their daughters from social censure and reputation damage.”

Fathers, he says, often attempt to intervene directly and “fix” the problem by going to the police or even confronting partners or perpetrators directly.  “As a father,” says Prior, “I can certainly understand that reaction.  But once a girl is in treatment, a reactive response to sensitive disclosures is likely to be counterproductive.”

Highly emotional reactions can actually have the effect of re-traumatizing the young woman.   Well-meaning efforts “fix” the problem can have the effect of dis-empowering the young woman, which is the opposite of the goal of treatment.  Prior says that the key contribution parents can make is to provide understanding and support, even as they are working through their own painful emotions.  This is a challenge, Prior acknowledges, and means that parents must engage their own therapeutic work in order to help their daughter.

To help parents move effectively through disclosures of sexual promiscuity or trauma, Prior suggests that they engage in their own therapy, individually and as a couple, to process difficult feelings and form strategies to support their daughter.  These feelings may include rage, guilt, fear, and even disgust.  Engaging these feelings in a safe and supportive setting can help parents move through them to a place of calm, honest support

With parental understanding and support, says Prior, our daughters can turn a situation of pain and shame into one of healing and empowerment.  Parents can have tremendous therapeutic influence in these difficult situations.